Self Esteem
by Takemenowhere
Summary: The more you suffer the more it shows you really care,right? Tegan and Sara, Quincest. Inspired Self Esteem by The Offspring
1. Chapter 1

I waited until 2 before giving up and going to bed. I had been naïve to think she would keep her promise of taking me out tonight, but like the fool I am I got my hopes up. This kind of thing happens much more then I'd like to admit, she makes a promise then she breaks that promise, I say enough is enough, only to forgive her an hour later. I know I'm being used, but it's okay, I like the abuse.

An hour later there's a knock at my door, I shove the sheets off my body and make my way down the hall as another sharp knock echoes though my empty apartment. I unlock and slowly pull open the door. "Hey Tegan," she slurs, "Aren't you gonna let me in?"

I contemplate telling her to go fuck herself and slamming the door in in her face, instead I step aside allowing her in. I've barely shut the door before she sloppily starts planting kisses on my neck and jaw. She pulls away, hooking her fingers in the waistband of my sweatpants pulling back, before letting go and allowing it to snap against my skin. "Now, these just won't do, I want you naked and ready by the time I get to the room." She says pulling me from my spot and pushing me toward the hall. I glance back watching as she removes her blazer hanging it carefully on the coat rack, even when she's wasted she's tidy.

I strip quickly, knowing if I wasn't naked and waiting there'd be hell to pay, I situate myself on the middle of the bed, I few minutes later I hear her stumbling steps in the hall. Sara throws open the bedroom door, she's already striped down to her underwear. I raise my hand motioning her closer; she licks her lips making her way toward me on the bed.

The mattress sinks as she moves to straddle my hips, her hands fall into place on my breasts, leaning forward to kiss my mouth and I can't help but melt at the taste of her tongue as it slips passed my lips. She moves her left hand to take my right moving it to the waistband of her briefs, I slide my fingers into her underwear where they're met with an incredible wetness; a breathy moan escapes her lips as I move to circle her clit. I enter her slowly as she moves to mirror my actions, a grin flashing across her face as she feels how wet I am for her. She begins pumping her fingers slowly with gaining speed until I can no longer hold back the moans building in my throat. We quickly fall into sync moving our fingers and hips in a steady rhythm. I know it won't be long before she falls over the edge bringing me with her. "Oh fuck, Tegan…" Her sentence is cut short by her orgasm; she drops her head to my shoulder sinking her teeth into my flesh. Moments later I'm hit by the waves of my own orgasm, "Sara," her name pleadingly falls from my lips as her removes her fingers, and slips them into her mouth; something she does every time after we sleep together. She climbs off me and goes to grab her clothes from their spot outside my door.

She dresses quickly before rejoining me on the bed, where she'll wait for me to fall asleep before quietly leaving. I sigh and roll onto my side pulling the sheets up to my neck. I lay still hoping to trick her into thinking I've fallen to sleep; minutes later I feel the bed shift as she leans over dropping a kiss to the top of my head, before pulling away she whispers " I'm sorry Tegan, I'm so sorry I can't be who you need me to be" and with that she's gone.


	2. Chapter 2

Sara POV

I left Tegan sleeping in her apartment about an hour ago. The effects of the alcohol had since left my system, and the feelings I so desperately tried to hide from came crashing back to port; their waves pounding into me, sending me further alee.

It was a sick and twisted game I had pulled us into, filling her with hope that I had finally come around to the idea of us together, only to run and cower behind the safe walls of my mind, injecting myself with a numbing agent I have become much too dependent on. These thoughts are the reason I've yet to loosen my grip on the scotch bottle. Was I an alcoholic? I didn't like to think so, I was sure if I could untangle this mess of self-loathing and hurt I've inadvertently cast upon myself and my sister, the drinking would stop.

The sun was just starting to crest on the horizon, when I decided now was the time to head back to my own apartment, to my empty bed where I can only hope sleep will be a friend and help me forget everything the sun's rays throw into painfully sharp relief, if only for a little while.

Tegan POV

After Sara left, I fell into a restless sleep, her words replaying in my mind. Did she truly regret her actions, or were her words nothing more than silly drunk ramblings? It was hard to know with Sara, she has built her walls so high and so strong it would take months or even years to loosen even one brick, but I'd be damned if I didn't try. For too long I let her walk all over me, giving her everything and asking for nothing in return. I won't let her run, not this time.

I glance at the clock on the bedside table, deciding I have time to shower, before going to confront her. I step under the spray of the shower head allowing the hot water to cascade over my body loosening my tense back muscles, mentally preparing myself for the fight that was sure to ensue. I grab my shampoo squeezing a small amount onto the palm of my hand; I massage it into my scalp reveling in the feeling of yesterday's grime washing down the drain. I shut off the water, and towel myself off quickly before heading to my room and getting dressed. After stopping in the kitchen to grab a granola bar, I send Sara a text deciding to give her some sort of warning, instead of just showing up on her doorstep. I lock up, and exit my apartment building. This is it; I'm finally going to get some answers.

Sara POV

The buzzing of my phone pulls me from my not so peaceful state of sleep. I internally curse the person calling me at this ungodly hour, even though it is late morning I've only been asleep a few hours. The screen lights up alerting me of a new message from Tegan: "I'm coming over, we need to talk."

I feel the panic setting in as I re-read the words, I knew this moment would come but I was still left shocked and unprepared. I immediately think of hiding and pretending not to be home, but that would be low even for me. Instead I climb out of bed, pulling on the same jeans I wore last night. If she wanted to talk, I would talk. Maybe I can finally right some of my wrongs.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Sorry, it took so long to update. I was lacking motivation and direction. I hope you enjoy and don't forget to review :) - Adge

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Tegan POV

The closer I got to Sara's place the more I felt my resolve fade. I knew I had to be strong but all the hurt and rejection I kept locked away was suddenly flooding my every sense. I needed to keep a level head or else I'd break down crying out of frustration, and let's face it nobody wants to see that. It was in moments like this I craved smoking most, for the smoke to fill my lungs and help lull me into a false calm. I slowly walked up to her front door, squeezing my eyes shut and counting backwards from ten before knocking. I held my breath waiting for the door to swing open; when it finally did I'm met with a tired and rumpled looking Sara.

"Sara, are you drunk?" I ask, peering at her closely.

"Not drunk, drinking," she answers, lifting the half empty glass of liquor.

"It's not even noon and your already drinking, that's pathetic," What was even more pathetic was the fact that she couldn't even stand to see me without having a drink first.

"Well, Tegan my drinking may be pathetic, but the fact that you let me drunkenly fuck you is even more so." Ouch, way to pour salt on a wound. I guess she's going for low blows, today.

"You know, Sara, you were the one who instigated this whole thing, you climbed into my bed, you kissed me first. At least I can admit, as messed up as it is, I love you. You can't even say it, let alone think it without drowning yourself in alcohol." My voice breaks on the last word, and I can feel the tears threatening to spill over.

Sara POV

The look on Tegan's face guts me, and I instantly regret my words. She's right of course; everything she said was spot on. Yet she still loves me, after everything I've done to her, every broken promise, every lie, and she still loves me. She's still fighting for me. I can't find the words that will abolish her hurt. How can I fix her without breaking myself?

"Tegan, what I did in that hotel room was crossing the line, it should have never happened. I know I started it, and I know I continued it, but it has to end, I can't keep hurting you like this. We can never be together; I can't give you what you want."

"I want you, Sara."

"You say that now, but I can't give you all of me. You deserve someone who can be with you and be open about it. You need someone who can show you off."

"No, you can't do that to me, you can't make me fall for you then just end it when the going gets tough." The tears are falling freely from her eyes now, and I have to look away or else risk breaking down myself. "Let me in, Sara, please just let me in."

"Tegan, I think you should go." I had to get her out of here, I was suffocating. I wanted nothing more than to comfort her, and the fact that she had that kind of power over me was terrifying.

"No, Sara please don't shut me out." She pleads, her hands knitting themselves to the front of my shirt.

"No, Tegan stop." I jump from the couch out of her reach. I need distance from her body. "Please, leave." I just want this day to be over. I didn't want things to happen way this way; I wanted it to be quick like ripping off a Band-Aid. Life's not like that though, the right thing is never easy, especially when it's not what you really want.

"But, Sara…" She looks up at me through tear soaked lashes.

I avoid her eyes and point to the entryway, she stands slowly and walks to the door. I feel absolutely wretched about how things played out, but it's for the best. It would have never been a normal functioning relationship. The weight of it would have broken our backs.


End file.
